+ ch-ch-ch-changes +

Guess who's back?

(Don't start singing.)

...Yeah. Anyhoo. Maybe I'm back, maybe I'm not. We'll see, I suppose.

Fatal_error was turning into a joke. And though it hurts to look back here, I'd rather not start over AGAIN. So what the hell. Everyone's gone anyway.

I feel dismantled right now. I did something I really shouldn't have. I never should have. I didn't want to, but I did at the same time. I'm shaking in fear and disgust in myself for what I just did.  You know, sometimes there are things that aren't able to be let go. And I don't like feeling that way. When things are over, they are supposed to be...over. That's how it is, whether I like it or not. (I don't like it much.) Ugh. Let's just blame this on the period and crippling pain of cramps and all that garbage. Or whatever.

Times have been good if not laced with neverending anxiety lately. I mean. I go out, do things, and have fun with people and I'm getting better at living. I actually am sad weekends go by so fast because I'm never home anymore. But I never really wanted to do any of this. When did I start to change? When did this new lust for life, or whatever the fuck you want to call it...appear in me? This is bullshit, and I am not sure if I am comfortable with how I am acting. Especially if it just ends with me not getting any sleep, vomiting up dinner, and worrying about everything and everyone around me.

Don't tell me I'm different because my pants are tighter and my shirts are smaller. Because I'm still a large gal with a huge ass, and my goal of 120 lbs is still a little far off. I need money, and I need my ID. I want to not be stupid sounded and scared when I talk to Jeshi on the phone. I wish Daniel had a working computer, because I need to talk to him badly, and I want him to call me soon, too. (Dude, I don't know what to do, I lost the envelope for Haibane Renmei...I probably got you in trouble or something, I'm sorry.) I want to talking to him, him, and him more often. I hate her and her.

I don't want to worry anymore. I am sick of being a nervous wreck. I am sick of these things you want me to be...and I never had to do any of this until....well.

On an ending note, I still hate that one song and my mother wishes that I would never touch another girl. Sometimes, I wonder....

I did a bad, bad thing . . .

+CHANGE ME+

TO ANYONE STILL READING THIS AT ALL.

TAKE THIS NAME OFF YOUR SITES YOU READ LIST.

THEWOLFISHTHING WILL NO LONGER BE WRITTEN IN.

PLEASE GO TO FATAL_ERROR.

MY NEW BLOG.

KTHNXBYE.

:)

+REVELATION+

YES. I am back. I COULDN'T EVEN FUCKING LAST THREE FUCKING DAYS!!!!

Because you know what? I've come to a CONCLUSION. YES. REVELATION!!!

Why hide from this place because I'm sad? I'M NEVER FUCKING HAPPY!!!!

HAHAHAHA.

HOW FUCKING STUPID AND POINTLESS OF ME TO THINK I COULD COME BACK A NEW AND HAPPY PERSON!!!!

I give up. Yes. I'm 100% finished with everything. I have nothing to look forward to. And I DONT WANT TO LOOK FORWARD TO ANYTHING GOOD. Because it just LEADS TO FUCKING LET DOWN AND DISAPPOINTMENT.

SILLY ME FOR EVER THINKING I COULD BE A HAPPY PERSON.

SILLY ME FOR EVER THINKING I WAS GOING TO BE OKAY!!!

FORGIVE ME.

I'm sorry to -you-. ESPECIALLY.

I'm sorry I caused GUILT and PAIN.

I'm sorry I MADE your life suck.

I'm sorry I caused nothing but anxiety and PROBLEMS.  

I'm sorry I'm a disappointment for you.

I'm sorry I wasn't what you wanted or expected.

I'm SHIT. on a STICK even.

And that's just fine and dandy.

I was a fucking moron to think I was happy and that someone could ever be happy with me for too long. It never lasts. I'm just a let down a bring down a moody BITCH and a fucking stain on society.

A FUCKING IDIOT is what I am.

And I'm finished. Because you're never going to see me smile SINCERELY ever again. you're NEVER going to see me LAUGH without me secretly wishing I were gone so I couldn't be a fake ass whore anymore. You'll never be in my company without me wondering if you REALLY want me to be there. I'll NEVER EVER fucking WANT to say i love you without wanting to burst into motherfucking TEARS because no one will ever mean it when they say it back. I don't know what ANYONE wants from me except to pull me around and make me think. I'm HAPPY though, THAT SOMEONE in the fucking world actually WANTED ME and MADE ME FEEL SPECIAL. AND BEAUTIFUL. AND WORTH TIME AND ENERGY. but then I ruined it. I ruined everything. I'm not worth anything anymore. NOT ANYMORE. Maybe once. BUT NOT ANYMORE. I'M NOTHING BUT A WORTHLESS BITCH!!!

And I guess I should get used to it. Because it's going to happen all the time. DANIEL. HEY DANIEL!!!! YOU WIN. TRUE LOVE DOESN'T FUCKING EXIST. ITS BULLSHIT. I WAS WRONG. I'M A FUCKING IDIOT. THE END. now lets all rejoice that i'm back and stare at my pictures. HAHAHAHAH.

...cereal...but THERES NO MILK.

PAYCE, HOMES.

yeah, i'm so in your face. upclose look

Made ya look.

duh. ...THE END FOR REALS.

[whats that noise?] chuck mangione :: feels so good

+Bye Bye Xanga+

"kill me faster"

...jesus christ. i cant stop thinking about how terribly alone i'm going to be next year. i can't stop thinking about how fucking alone i am right now. i thank everyone whos been trying to help me...don't think your words have fallen on deaf ears...but i really am in a very dark place right now. you did make me feel better for a little while, though. it just all comes rushing back to me. i dont have the strength. i don't have the will. i don't want to continue living like this anymore. ...wont somebody come and love me? ...no. that's too much to ask. because i am a fat ugly bitch. ugly ugly so fucking ugly.

anyway. this is me saying goodbye to most of my online life. most especially xanga. i can't stand to even sit here and even try to pretend to be happy anymore. maybe a month or two away....who knows. now i can 100% dedicate my days to sleeping and being a fucking miserable worm. don't worry though. it's only the fucking internet right? i'll just disappear and you won't even care...that's the thing about the computer...it's so impersonal. detached. be that as it may...i surely will miss you all and reading in on your lives...you're all so much more beautiful and interesting than i am anyhow. oh and if anyone for some godforsaken reason asks where i am. tell them i died fighting a rabid bear or something cool like that.

another night of crying myself to sleep.

"i hope i choke on my tears and drown."

<3 kthnx.

[whats that noise?] inside of love :: nada surf

+so don't be a liar, don't say that everthing's working when everything's broken+

sigh.

[ edited out pathetic whining... ]

there were a lot of good counsel peoples at northside last night. i saw nadia [kahn] and she's all "oh my god! HI YOU GUYS! Where's ______?!" and i just depressed myself into a stupor after that. but hey. fucking tinikling and that candle dance kicked ass. go P.I. Heh.

i'm still mad i missed flaming lips-ben kweller-starlight mints-violent femmes yesterday...and i'm still mad i'm missing staind, finch, and all american rejects today. boo on my parents. boo on henry. boo boo boo hoo.

and your eyes say the joke's on me.

[whats that noise?] dashboard confessional cry-a-thon.