+ ch-ch-ch-changes +

Guess who's back?

(Don't start singing.)

...Yeah. Anyhoo. Maybe I'm back, maybe I'm not. We'll see, I suppose.

Fatal_error was turning into a joke. And though it hurts to look back here, I'd rather not start over AGAIN. So what the hell. Everyone's gone anyway.

I feel dismantled right now. I did something I really shouldn't have. I never should have. I didn't want to, but I did at the same time. I'm shaking in fear and disgust in myself for what I just did.  You know, sometimes there are things that aren't able to be let go. And I don't like feeling that way. When things are over, they are supposed to be...over. That's how it is, whether I like it or not. (I don't like it much.) Ugh. Let's just blame this on the period and crippling pain of cramps and all that garbage. Or whatever.

Times have been good if not laced with neverending anxiety lately. I mean. I go out, do things, and have fun with people and I'm getting better at living. I actually am sad weekends go by so fast because I'm never home anymore. But I never really wanted to do any of this. When did I start to change? When did this new lust for life, or whatever the fuck you want to call it...appear in me? This is bullshit, and I am not sure if I am comfortable with how I am acting. Especially if it just ends with me not getting any sleep, vomiting up dinner, and worrying about everything and everyone around me.

Don't tell me I'm different because my pants are tighter and my shirts are smaller. Because I'm still a large gal with a huge ass, and my goal of 120 lbs is still a little far off. I need money, and I need my ID. I want to not be stupid sounded and scared when I talk to Jeshi on the phone. I wish Daniel had a working computer, because I need to talk to him badly, and I want him to call me soon, too. (Dude, I don't know what to do, I lost the envelope for Haibane Renmei...I probably got you in trouble or something, I'm sorry.) I want to talking to him, him, and him more often. I hate her and her.

I don't want to worry anymore. I am sick of being a nervous wreck. I am sick of these things you want me to be...and I never had to do any of this until....well.

On an ending note, I still hate that one song and my mother wishes that I would never touch another girl. Sometimes, I wonder....

I did a bad, bad thing . . .